These articles appeared in this issue:
Let's all admit it, the 90's have much more free love to offer than the 60's ever did. First of all, children of the 60's had parents who still had morals. Now those children are our parents, and the taboos against casual sex have practically been lifted. Hell, if it weren't for AIDS and V.D., Earth would be a massive, perpetual orgy in which even zine publishers could get laid. Second of all, we live in a society where sex is pushed down our throats (any women reading this, please do not be offended) by the market establishment. Sex sells and we're buying.
It is because of this that I am proposing a return to a traditional (read: ancient) custom, namely, the keeping of concubines. For those not blessed with the definition of this most sacred word, a concubine is a woman that is not technically married to a man, but is devoted to him as a sexual partner. In ancient times, kings would have upwards of 100 wives (all of whom were supposed to be treated equally) and more than 400 concubines. Needless to say, these kings led the life. However, not everyone could be a king (DUH!). But not to fear, because the average working schmoe still had about 3 wives and 12 concubines.
It is about time that we officially dropped our standards to the level they are really at. Our society has become as horny as a 13-year old watching his first porn movie. As a solution, I propose we all say (repeat after me), "To Hell with Fidelity!" and let ourselves go. We shall abandon the marriage system and return to the much more pleasurable concubine system. Lest I appear sexist, I also propose that the concubine system work in reverse, with women in possession of male concubines. After all, there is no difference between the sexes with the exception of the genitals.
Okay, you probably see the flaw in my system, specifically, morality. However, morality is a moot point since America has no morals anyway. Face it, no one loses with this system. Even biblical figures had concubines. Surely you can't be sent to eternal damnation with your handful of concubines when King Solomon had over 1000! Case closed, blouses open. Concubines, Ho!
Points of Light:
A few weeks back, 7 boys were charged with the torturing of a Vietnam War veteran. They were all only around 10-14 years old, but still managed to perform this crime. You've probably heard about this event or maybe read about it in The Blade. And even though you felt sick to your stomach from learning the details of what occurred there, I doubt much thought was given to the significance or, perhaps, insignificance of this event. With this article, I intend to look into what occurred and see what it means for us, because it is my belief that though this may seem like one small event, it carries quite a bit of weight.
I don't think people realize that, comparatively speaking, the times we live in are rather peaceful, when we compare our everyday lives with those of our ancestors. Yet, such instances of unabandoned violence can only be associated with a society whose promotion of these incorrect values through mainstream culture, is largely out of control. There are the values given to you everyday, assuming you watch TV once a day, or even read a newspaper rag such as The Blade. Maybe they don't understand the way they affect you because they believe they are promoting the American Dream. But truly it is only a false idealism underlying American culture which they themselves created. One of these cultural values is violence. Another is power.
You may not want to believe that you live in a society that promotes insidious violence, but perhaps first you should ask yourself what ultimately causes violence and how it is promoted. (Before I tell you my opinion here, I would like to note that there is never just one answer to put at the root cause of anything, but for my purposes, blah, blah, blothog.) Is it television, corporations, the media and all those rotten stinky capitalists who love violence so much and cause uprisings such as this isolated event in Toledo? The answer here is really no, yet indirectly these institutions are at the root. These institutions are the people that have taught us how to love power. They show us how beautiful power is. Power means happiness and power means money. And we are entitled to our pursuit of happiness by the idealistic structure compounded by the founders of this country. But who in life is really happy and who's fault is that? Well of course it's not my fault, it's the fault of everyone else; but if I get these $100 shoes and Starter jacket, I'm sure I'll be better off...
What I'm trying to say is that it's culture who makes you think you're not happy. Culture is here to tell us we're powerless. Most often it is culture who makes us feel insecure in our lives. It wants to tell you how you should be, look, dress, and everything else so you can fit their perfect mold when really they're asking the impossible, though, so often you will still buy into it. buying into it means admitting unconsciously your need for power, pride, material wealth, looks, etc. (they are all the same) Now that you've fallen for these false needs, the void must be filled. Your ego needs a boost, so make fun of the handicapped and stupid fat people. Beat the crap out of those retards. Look at the power you can take from them. Aren't they easy to step on with your brand new $150 Doc Martens? Who cares about them anyway, all that's truly important is myself, right? But wait - what if the others still don't accept me? I mean, I'm dressed cool, right? I look cool, right? And the cycle will repeat, and the vacuum needs to be filled again. So why not suck on a cancer and urinate on some mental patient. Just for kicks, too.
So what direction is America headed in? I'd love to be optimistic, but I'm skeptical. I'm not sure this incident shows us everything, or maybe even anything, about the state of society. It shows us seven boys who needed to fill a power vacuum, but we don't know exactly why, or what caused the vacuum to be created. Perhaps our ruthless society, in one way or another.
I don't want to give you the impression that society's modern institutions such as television, media, etc. have just now given us our lust for power. This lust has been with us in other forms throughout history. But it has become a ridiculous part of a culture where we are slowly conditioned to believe all the untruths. Our society where we walk in line with the rest, where conformity is a virtue (it makes us easier to control), where we are robbed of free-will, where human psychology is used, wrongly, on a mass scale to control our actions, and finally, where we live as insignificant robots, making a lot of noise and causing commotion for a while, but in reality, already outdated before our creation, only worth the amount that we can be sold off for our scrap parts.
If everyone on Earth committed suicide, the Lord Bog would not know what to do, or would it? There is no conclusion because of space constraints. Write to me through this zine or e-mail to thaddeusmaximus@poboxes.com and I'll send you one. Or maybe I'll blabber about something else. Yo! Dodus! Send mail! Not male!
Democracy is the form of state in which you are forced to be fucked up your own arse (Sorry 'bout my weird German accent/mistakes) voluntarily. If you vote, you give complete control to someone who is no better than yourself. The only thing that sets you apart is that the person you vote for is hungry for power. Power over you. He is not interested in representing you. He's interested in governing you, which is a major difference. So voting is just a way of helping tyranny to exist. This is not exactly the thing that anyone should do, is it? When the Declaration of Independence was issued, people no longer wanted to be governed by a tyrant. The USA was established to make a free life possible. Now we have to realize that talking about freedom of the individual in democracy is talking about living corpses. Never vote for anyone who actually wants to have power. For now this is all you can do on a political basis. Realize that anarchy is the only form of organization of humanity that makes individual freedom possible. Try and find books by Errico Malatesta to get a picture of what anarchy actually means now. I'll bet you only think of chaos when you hear this word. But we have been living in a tyranny for fuckin' centuries now; why should anyone in power want to let you know how things could be done better? So start now and realize how badly you are fucked up by your so-called representatives and by the system they represent. Don't be part of the system. And, funny as it may sound, have fun. People in power basically want to prevent anyone except themselves from having fun, so having fun while striving for changes in society is about as revolutionary as you can get nowadays.
Stop worrying about REM. The so-called Alternative Music Scene would be better off if REM were still in pre-production for Green. Let It Be by the Replacements is the album that REM tried to record since they started writing songs for Murmur. But it's easier to sell four decent guys out of Georgia to a big corporation and to the masses than it is to sell four drunks out of Minneapolis. What I'm trying to say is that REM were born to be sold out. And they weren't even the best songwriters in their kind of music. (Nice haircuts, though!) Oh, by the way, listen to the Beach Boys!
(EIIGY POCR OFF claims no rights to this work. The author is unknown. Submitted by ERG MAD)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is ZERO meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a five story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Allegheny tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.*
This publication went to press before the election and was published after the election. Life's a bitch, huh?
I can certainly guarantee that if Bob Dole had used the slogan printed above, he would win this year's election. However, the voters that matter (i.e., Republicans) are generally against this free love notion. I guess when you're a successful capitalist, you can afford to pay for 69 instead of taking the government subsidized version. In spite of my ideas, there will be things that this year's elections will be remembered by:
If a Gallup poll had stated that Americans wanted a president who would walk across a bed of hot coals while singing the Star-Spangled Banner, the fires would be lit and Dole and Clinton would be practicing hitting that high note. The candidates stance on the issues changed more than the average person changes his underwear. The only thing that remained the same throughout was the candidates' positions on abortion, which should not be a political issue anyway.
At 252 years old, (if elected) Bob Dole would be the oldest president in US history. It was rumored that Dole would voluntarily die on Inauguration Day, simply to let Vice-Presidential candidate Jack Kemp quarterback the country. Las Vegas oddsmakers have actually put favorable odds on this. Also, Bob Dole proposed a cut in the nation's infrastructure, recommending that we all ride around on dinosaurs like he did as a kid.
With the resurgence of marijuana as the drug of choice among Generation X'ers, Clinton would gladly take a hit if it meant more votes. The Daily Orange, Syracuse University's daily newspaper, features a comic strip which depicts the incumbent, in Doonesbury style, as a water bong. (For reference, Bob Dole is depicted as a prune, which is not too far from the truth.)
Yes, Citizen Ross refused to be ignored. Perot practically bought all four major networks' prime-time slots since he wasn't allowed to participate in the debates. He also formed his own party, the Reform Party. Apparently, the only reform implemented by the party is a limit on the number of graphs Ross can use.
You probably won't get this until after you voted (if you voted at all). We certainly hope you didn't vote for any of the major candidates (i.e. Clinton, Dole, Perot) because they all suck a big cock and I could beat the snot out of them.
George Tabb is most likely the single biggest Ramones fan that survived the 1980's. He is also somewhat of a modern New York City punk rock legend (at least he claims to be). George is the guitarist and singer for the punk band Furious George and he writes really long (and hysterically funny) columns in Maximumrockandroll, a national punk zine that is probably no more than five feet away from where you picked up EIIGY POCR OFF. I caught up with George through E-mail for an interview.
EPO: How often do you masturbate?
George: Um, er, um, well, before, during, and after I masturbate.
EPO: Describe your own personal hell.
George: Florida. And having no hot water.
EPO: Have you ever beaten up anyone famous?
George: Elvis.
EPO: Was it the real Elvis? (He lives in Canada, you know.)
George: I think it was him, it could have been Danzig, though. Doh.
EPO: If you could buy an island for $22 worth of beads, where would you get the beads from?
George: Hippies and on Haight Street, and those anal love beads ya get at them porno stores.
EPO: Which do you prefer, Pop Tarts or Toaster Struedel?
George: That is a question for my bass player, who prides himself on his Twinkie diet.
EPO: Define "comptometer".
George: Define my dick.
EPO: Would you like to plug any of your Furious George exploits?
George: Well...if you insist... We just put out an EP, "Furious George Goes Ape" on Lookout Records. It's in the stores now on 7" and CD. Go buy it!
Last week, someone I used to consider my friend told me I needed a haircut. I, of course, asked why, to which he replied that my head looked like a mushroom. I promptly told him to fuck off and left it at that. However, it raised an important point in the part of my brain that remembers important points: no matter what you do, you will never live up to society's standard for fashion.
For example, a certain zine publisher whose initials are J.A. wore his hair in the classic Ramones circa 1977 style for about a year. Every day, people would tell me, er, him, to get a haircut. I had to tolerate this shit for over a year simply because the zit-faced, braces-wearing, nerd-glasses sporting, cheap clothes-wearing people I knew didn't like it. I could've, of course, replied that you "go get some fucking zit cream, you goddam pizza face," but it would have done me no good. The thing that irked me the most was that these people were the most hypocritical bastards I have ever met. I cut my long, beautiful locks on July 15th, 1996, and since then, at least one-fourth of the people who gave me shit about my hair have "gone long" or are in the process thereof.
If you are a preppie, first of all, you should not be reading this. Go read a copy of the Wall Street Journal that I wiped my ass with and put this zine away. If you dare to read further, I will scare you so badly, that you will probably burn this zine and make an emergency trip to the mall to make sure you have not gone out of style.
WHAT I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW:
That's it! No wallet chain, no spiffy baseball cap, no $175 dollar basketball shoes, none of it. I don't believe in fashion. Fashion costs too much. I only make about $50 a week after taxes. I can't afford to be at the top of fashion, nor would I want to be. Once you start becoming fashionable, you turn into an asshole because you get a false sense of superiority from your clothes. People think I'm an asshole already; I don't want to be more of an asshole.
So take my advice, prepsters: wad up all your Calvin Klein, all your Tommy Hilfiger, all your Polo Ralph Lauren, everything, light it all on fire, and shove it up your ass. Maybe then you'll feel the same pain you dish out to all those people that are "inferior" to you. (Side Note: the "cut your hair" guy's head was shaved. Huh.)
(EIIGY POCR OFF claims no rights to the work below. Submitted by Thaddeus Maximus.)
You ask me: Would I fight for my country? - And I tell you this: I consider myself to be already at war, against a mass mentality and attitude that through its greed, ignorance, selfishness and brutality endangers my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters. I consider myself to be at war with a "society" that sees the oppression and destruction of others as a solution; I consider myself to be at war with those who would prevent my brothers and sisters from choosing their own paths in life and living the way they want to; who would prevent my brothers and sisters from deciding what they want to do with their own bodies and sexuality; and I am at war with those who rape, plunder and sully this beautiful world of ours. I want my life, fucker, and I'll have it. I consider myself at war.